Epic Tales of Hyperbole


Spoiled Surprise
June 1, 2009, 1:57 pm
Filed under: Baby, prank

So the plan was to surprise the one person that I know still checks to see if I update my blog; the same person who incessantly nags me that I haven’t.  No, it’s not my wife, she never checks my blog and even if she did, she certainly would never nag.

Unfortunately, it seems, those born Perruquet can’t keep a secret to save their lives.

So in a pathetic attempt to save the joke, I’m just going to post the “surprise” photo that she probably already knows exists. 
And for the rest of you here’s a cute photo of my baby boy being held by a bald man (it’s better if you just focus on Judah).

 

Ken&Judah

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The Baby Way
February 3, 2009, 1:51 pm
Filed under: Baby

Until three weeks ago I had managed to avoid altogether the task of changing a diaper.  Like the first time driving, it was scary, completely awkward, and just a little dangerous.  It wasn’t, however, as bad as I originally thought.  As many have said before me, “it’s different when it’s yours”.  As a matter of fact, it was just a few days later that I was high-fiving Judy about his first blowout.  Yes we’re talking about poopie (adding the E sound at then end makes the most disgusting words sound better).

I’ve even found myself smelling his butt to save time… Definitely different when it’s yours.
Oh, and let me just say, the diaper champ is awesome and definitely made for men.  The only ways you could make this piston driven diaper disposal better for men would be to to make it out of cast iron (or stainless steel) and add bio-hazard labels.

Anyway, I know you are all just reading this cause who you REALLY want to know about is Judah, so fine, here’s some more photos, but don’t think for a minute I’m just gonna give you baby details without making you read my blog posts first.
 

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Judah Asher Scott
January 7, 2009, 3:11 pm
Filed under: Baby

I just want everyone to have the vitals…
On Tuesday morning, 01/06/09, at 10:01 am, Judy gave birth to a 6lb1oz baby boy.

I know what you are all wondering, and yes, I’m doing fine…
I’m tired, those ice chips I had to feed Judy were pretty cold and my hands are a little cramped from her squeezing.  But I’ll be fine, I’m a trooper, don’t worry about me…   Oh yeah, Judy and baby Judah are good too.

Proud daddy moment: The little guy peed on both nurses immediately, he’s got good aim and power. A future QB maybe?

Below are a few photos, take note his giant Sasquatch-like feet. This kid would have been big had he made it past 36 weeks

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Vice Versa
November 25, 2008, 3:58 am
Filed under: Baby, Life Story

Have you ever noticed how a person’s greatest trait can often be their greatest weakness?  Maybe they are incredibly passionate but can also be incredibly obsessive, focused but single minded, a good listener but closed off.

What? Don’t judge me. Remember when you point a finger four are pointing back attcha.  Yeah, that’s right… Food for thought… Uh-huh… Real wisdom in those words… Don’t you forget it.

Anyway, instead of turning something pointless and funny into something deep and purposeful like those “talented” bloggers with “writing skills” and “intellect,” I am going to turn something meaningful into complete drivel.

Some of the most wonderful things are also the largest sources of frustrations.  Things like: cars, air travel, computers, HDTV (1080 what?), cellphones, children (sorry mom & dad), wives (totally didn’t mean that, love ya baby, love ya).  We may not have had it last week, but it sure pisses us off when we don’t have it now.  My latest discovery?  The Pack ‘n Play.  It’s so smart, convenient, portable, versatile and totally and completely EVIL.  

Putting that thing together was the most frustrating thing I’d ever done, that was until I tried to take it apart and fit it all back into that absurdly too small, easily tear-able nylon bag.  I’m just glad it was generously given to us by another couple that doesn’t have a child yet; otherwise I would think they were giving it to us cause they hate us and want to torture us.

 

Evil, Pure Evil

 

 

I’d take pictures of the process for you, but I’m not going near that thing again until I need to.



Turn It Around
September 17, 2008, 11:52 pm
Filed under: Life Story

So, I’ve been busy getting the baby’s room ready.  Lord knows that if it isn’t ready 5 months in advance then we are just completely under-prepared.

Yesterday when I was painting the room some indescribable neutral color (thank you oops paint) when I had an incident that needed to be… turned around.

It began when I was washing out a paint brush in the bathroom sink and heard Maggie (the dog) crash into something.  Sure enough, she had knocked the roller off of its precarious perch leaving me with a dozen or so little paint stains on the carpet.  Fret not, I was prepared, the spot shot was already uncapped with my trusty paper towel nearby.  About 5 minutes later I recalled that the sink was still running.  Well, I hate to waste water, but no big deal.

Only, the brush had managed to plug the drain allowing the sink to overflow.  Seeing it at first I thought, maybe its not that bad, there are after all 3 little holes to keep the sink from overflowing.  Then I stepped into a mini pool on my bathroom floor.  Those stupid holes only divert the water under the sink, making a bigger mess.  To top it off they weren’t even draining the water fast enough, water was over and under flowing everywhere.  So the stupid useless holes didn’t even do the pointless job they were designed to do.

I grabbed the bath mat, and every towel I could find (clean or otherwise) and mopped up the mess. (This is so much more fun when it happens on TV to other people…)  Now, from some perspectives, I made a mess and  cleaned it up.  But I decided to turn it around.  Look honey, I not only washed all of the towels and the bath mats… I also mopped the bathroom floor and cleaned up around the base of the toilet.

Good thing I have concrete floors, I would have sucked if it were: Look honey, I completely tore out and re-did the bathroom floor.



Baby Boy
September 15, 2008, 2:50 am
Filed under: Baby | Tags: , , , , ,

So, lets just be honest…
The majority of you handful of people that bother to read this blog are only interested in information about Judy and/or the baby residing inside Judy.  Fine, I’ll give you people what you want.

I was assured that despite the fact that the ultrasound made him look like an alien and mutantesque (not a real word) that he is completely normal.  Then again that’s exactly what the mutant aliens would want you to think now isn’t it?  isn’t it.



Pinky Toe
August 6, 2008, 10:23 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

No one really appreciates the pinky toe…
It seems unnecesary, the nail is nearly impossible to clip, and maybe 1 in 100 look like they should even be a part of the human anatomy (let alone look normal).

You know when you REALLY DON’T appreciate the pinky toe?  When it’s the middle of the night, you’re walking back from the bathroom and you slam it into a wall and break it.  To top it off, there’s nothing you can do about it.  They don’t make a little mini toe cast, you just have to deal with the pain and try to stay off of it.

You know when you REALLY appreciate the pinky toe?  When you’re stumbling around like a drunk unable to balance, trying to avoid the pain of putting weight on a broken toe.

According to Judy, I was cursing like a sailor for 5+ minutes, and she was unwilling to step into that mess.
As I recall it, I grunted lightly for only a moment, made a splint of some nearby toothpicks, danced with the sugar plum fairies and went back to bed.

Pinky (or Pinkie), by the way comes from the Dutch word “pink” meaning little finger.